From the mind of Paul Jones

Well, today is the day… it’s been one year. I can’t believe that I left the life of a well-paid software developer to step out and chase a dream. A year ago, I had the plan to take a three month hiatus from work, write some screenplays and make my first short film. Over those months I had many false starts and complete failures which helped teach me what it really takes to make films professionally and it has been one heck of a journey… lasting nine months longer than planned.

I still haven’t made my first film and have have a trail of unfinished scripts and undeveloped stories that litter the path I have traveled over the last year, but I am so much closer to my dream than I have ever been at any time in my life. “Hurry up and wait,” is what that they said in the Army– a motto frequently relived on nearly every set I’ve been on over the last year. If you want to pursue a life in visual storytelling, it is something you have to be in for the long-haul, something I am having to consider as I recognize the first anniversary of my “creative hiatus,” and look forward at the future.

I have been living mostly on savings I set aside for my hiatus, but that money is now on it’s last leg and soon I will join the ranks of starving artist… now I am forced to ask myself if I am in it for the long haul. I can go back to software development and get paid lots of money for something that sucks the life and joy out of me, or I can take a risk and chase my dream into the dark places. At the moment, my mind is not made up, and the coming days will be filled with weighty considerations.

While I stew on my future, I am preparing to spend Thanksgiving with a bunch of friends that I have known less than a year, they irony is they all have some filmmaking connection to me. As I begin to consider the possibility of stepping, even temporarily, out of my pursuit of a film career, I am saddened. In nearly fifteen years I have not had such a sense of community and the indications of genuine friendship than I do now with the small circle of friends that I have developed over the last year.

I guess this only makes sense, as I have come to believe sincerely that that greatest asset in filmmaking is not what you have, but who you know. Developing friendships and building relationships are somethings that are at the core of this form of art. By it’s nature, it is collaborative and requires the participation of many people that you have to trust in.

I don’t have any idea what the next year holds for me, whether I will chase my dream or abandon it– I don’t think that really matters to me. What has been the greatest pleasure over the last year, has been meeting so many wonderful people, all with their own dreams and ambitions. While I would love to dive deeper into filmmaking I look forward more to the collaborations and relationship-building that are such an important part of the process.

However, I still struggle with my faith and how is meshes with a career in an industry that is filled with Godlessness and self-glory. Regardless of what I “think” about it all, I keep being led by circumstances an opportunities back into the film path. This has caused me to consider how such a career can permit me to “do all to the glory of God,” and I am continually brought back to the focus on relationships in this industry and how little the final film product has to do with it.

At the moment, I simply look to the Lord to open or close doors according to His will. My part in the whole thing is to be a person within whom God is working and speaking. There are many people who believe that the best way to proclaim the gospel is with words and teachings, I personally think that the best way (for me) to preach the gospel, is by living. If we segregate the world into believers and unbelievers we prevent the world from meeting God… God-by-proxy, as I recently described it to a friend.

What better way is there to “do all to the glory of God,” then to represent Him in every corner of life. Why confine the gospel to certain places, methods and situations? I don’t want to compromise who and what I am; I think this is one reason that I want to make my own films and tell my own stories. But until I am doing that, I need to be God-by-proxy while carrying lights, hauling equipment, running the camera and building relationships by genuinely caring about people.

No one can tell me what this next year holds for me, but I look forward to it, partially due to the uncertainty. This thought causes me to remember a quote from Watchman Nee:

If God leads you to walk a way that you know, it will not benefit you as much as if He would lead you to take the way that you do not know. This forces you to have hundreds and thousands of conversations with Him, resulting in a journey that is an everlasting memorial between you and Him.

I look forward to the conversations while on this journey.

Tonight, I had one of those experiences that probably everyone has had at one time or another, where you are sitting in your car wanting to go inside, but there is something on the radio that has your attention fully in its grip. This often happens when I listen to NPR–some interesting story that I just need to hear the conclusion to. This time, it was NPR, but it wasn’t some journalistic story or a interesting interview, this time it was an essay. The story was interesting, about a young man who shirked a normal life to care for his mentally challenged brother. As the author narrated his story, and I was quickly caught up into his tale of personal sacrifice and of smelly adventures with a pet armadillo.

The plot thickened when the brother met a good woman, one who was able to overlook, and even appreciate, the arrangement in a chaotic appartment. Eventually romance blossomed and a marriage separated the brothers, while surrogates were hired to look in on and clean up after the less able brother. This arrangement seemed to work, until the arrest of that brother. After the arrest, doctors suggested that the limited oversight was not adequate and that it was in everyone’s best interest to have him placed in a home.

I cannot convey to you adequately the emotional resonance the essay evoked as it dealt with such a difficult personal decision. I was not only gripped by the story, I was being emotionally moved. I could feel the pain and sense of betrayal that hung in the air as a man with a busy life explained to his rather-simple brother what the doctors suggested. I felt a brother’s sense of responsibility as he rationalized away the desire to take his brother in to his own home as he provoked anguish from his sibling. “I’d rather die, than to be cooped up in some home with a bunch of mumbling half-wits,” he would explain. The greatest pain, to be forced to separate from his beloved pet armadillo.

As all good stories do, this reached a fever pitch at the end of the second act, when a call in the middle of the night brought news of his the sudden death of a needy brother. Running naked through traffic with his armadillo, the brother is hit and partially impaled, bleeding to death before the ambulance could arrive.

Listening, I wiped streams of salty tears from my cheeks–my heart sank. Tears continued to fall as the brother told of having to identify the body at the hospital before racing off to the scene of his brother’s death. I anticipated what was next, as the brother searched the area franticly until he uncovered, beneath a sheet of discarded plywood, his brother’s badly injured armadillo. He raced to the only vet in town, in the middle of the night, in attempts to save the life of his dead brother’s best friend. He prodded the man from his bed with aggressive pounding at his door. He may have failed his brother, but he was certainly going to do everything he could in that moment to save armored rodent’s life, a living tangible link his brother.

I thought to myself, this is heart breaking, how could someone live with such a tragedy, under the condemnation of abandonment? As I subjectively processed the story, the announcer read the title and the author, and then said something that really affected me, “this was a work of fiction.” I almost felt cheated, how could I allow myself to feel so personally for a fictional story? How could I feel such empathy for an invented character. Man, I felt like a wuss.

All of this happened while I was returning home after watching the new Wes Anderson film, the Darjeeling Limited. Before I left the house, I read an LA Times review of the movie, which seemed to pretty much explain the reviewers disdain for Wes Anderson’s movies. But the reviewer said something that returned to me as I contemplated my emotional reaction to the story of a mentally retarded man and his pet armadillo. The reviewer pondered the possibility that Anderson simply used his films as a way to work out his own issues. I think he meant that as a dig, but in the midst of contemplating art, it seemed extremely relevant.

Maybe a good part of the storyteller’s art is working through personal demons. I certainly think that is my draw to filmmaking–an attempt to tell stories the express my personal issues. Maybe that isn’t the heart of movie making in general, a great deal is to simply entertain. Perhaps that is why I like Wes Anderson’s movies; while they certainly entertain, they also explore deep personal issues of relationships and personal longing.

Over the last year, I have focused my energies in the direction of becoming a filmmaker. As I approach my one year anniversary, I look back on the last year and see a tremendous amount of progress. I still don’t have a personal project to show for my time and energy, but I have learned that actually filming the project is only part of the process. I have worked on a number of sets this year, some were enjoyable and others miserable, but every single one helped me see something–that I need to be making movies that tell my stories. I have yet to work on a film that I thought was worth making from a personal perspective. While simply working on projects offers me some excellent experience and knowledge, I also have discovered that my personal desire as a filmmaker is to tell real stories.

The stories that I want to tell are about humanity and struggle, about adventure and sacrifice. Ultimately I want to tell stories about redemption or man’s need or longing for it. I don’t want to tell redneck comedies or urban crime dramas. I don’t want to do horror or gore flicks. I have absolutely no interest in a film that fails to explore issues or has no themes. Maybe that means that I will never be a filmmaker who has films seen by millions, but I think that I am OK with that. Movies are works of fiction, a storyteller’s device to explore something and take others on an visual emotional journey with it, sometimes that journey is fun and at other times, dark and dangerous.

Maybe the stories aren’t true, but they often allow you to connect and explore emotions and ideas that are not only true, but relevant to life. I don’t know if Wes Anderson’s films are his personal therapy sessions, I suspect they probably are on some level, but that can’t possibly be a bad thing. Perhaps by realizing the therapeutic aspects, it will help me to spend more time writing and less time talking about writing. Certainly, that would be a good thing.

I have spent the last few months trying to crack the nut of filmmaking. One thing I’ve learned about making movies over the last year, is that it takes connections and lots of favors–unless you happen to have wheelbarrows full of money. My focus over the last six months or so, was to expand my network of contacts in the Nashville area to include a large number of people who work in film and video production. At first, the going was slow. I joined groups and organizations, explored web groups and even tried networking on Myspace–all of which yielded very little.

When I left my full time job in November, I planned to spend three months working on personal film projects, none of which ever got off the ground–I just didn’t know enough people in town. Instead, I just bought more equipment and looked for opportunities to use it. With the exception of shooting a few local music shows, nothing was happening. Several false starts occurred but each project fell flat.

Enter the 48 hour film project. I had wanted to do a 48 hour film since last year but, once again, didn’t know enough people to build my own team. I posted on line and asked around trying to find a team to join. I even inspired a friend to put together a team and failed to join her team, instead waiting to join a group who had experience. At the last minute I received an email looking for someone with a camera and sound equipment. I joined the team and made my first film in Nashville.

My team had a writer/director who was an absolute nightmare– she quit the project three times within 14 hours. Our movie wasn’t all the great, but I worked with some great people, all of whom were passionate about making films… finally, the network was growing. After the 48 hour film project, I finally realized that my network was larger than I thought. Many filmmaking conversations were had in a short period of time, and some project plans set in motion.

On the heels of 48HFP, I joined the crew of a indie film shooting in Nashville. All of my time over the last week of shooting was night shoots, to which I dove in feet first. I was able to exploit previous experience on other sets to help out as a Lighting Tech (also known as an Electrician in film circles). I really enjoyed working with lighting and actually felt as though I did a good job. It helped that I was working with at least one experienced Gaffer who I gleaned even more knowledge from. I felt I was on a roll.

I started thinking about filmmaking seriously. I started meeting with other filmmakers, producers and actors. Projects began to bloom and plans started being made; then I found an ad on Craigslist looking for some PAs for a feature length indie production in town. Feeling confident that I could add more value than just a PA, I asked if they needed any grips or even a gaffer. As it turned out, they most certainly needed a gaffer and they budgeted a deferred salary for me on the film.

I got very excited and started digging in more technically to the position of a gaffer. Up until then, I thought of a gaffer as a “lighting guy,” but what I discovered, is that in Hollywood circles, a Gaffer is a pretty key guy… and is usually expected to provide the lights for the shoot. He would also be expected to make the light do whatever the DP (director of photography) wanted; like make the set look like early dawn or change the mood of the scene with colors and shadows… it is actually a pretty complicated office to hold.

Concerned that they might be expecting me to have more knowledge and equipment then I actually did, I emailed them letting them know, that I am more qualified as a Lighting Technician than a Gaffer per se. They immediately placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a Gaffer and I felt sort of slighted. Eventually they found a new gaffer and I was to become his assistant.

The shoot was going to be 18 to 20 days and it was looking to be my first complete feature length production that I was to work from beginning to end. I was excited, until I started getting the vibe that things weren’t all that put together. I asked the producer about any pre-production work that was going to be done, and I clearly got the impression that no location was going to be reviewed for lighting before shooting. This was complicated even further when it began to look like they had done no work at securing a grip truck or a lighting package before the shoot.

Even before we started shooting, I started worrying that I was joining a half-assed production. Later when I found out that they were shooting the movie on film and not digitally, I forced myself to think more positively–certainly no one would try to shoot a movie on film if they didn’t have the equipment they needed. I started worrying when I had to call the producer the night before to get a location and call time for the first day of shooting (the next morning).

When I reached the producer, I was told that crew call was an hour before talent so, I took the opportunity to ask if a grip truck and lighting would be there when I arrived–I desperately wanted to survey the equipment. The reaction began to frighten me. She said that she knew that we had a camera and film stock, but wasn’t sure about lights. She asked if she could look into it and get back with me.

My return call confirmed my fears, they had not rented a grip truck or lighting package and they were depending on some lights that the DP had to shoot with. Now if there is one thing that I have learned about movie making–to make a professional production, lighting is essential. Despite my fears, I drove an hour and a half outside of Nashville to get to the set. We waited for over an hour before the Director arrived. Shortly after, the DP an First AC (assistant cameraman) arrived and began unloading gear.

While it wasn’t my worst nightmare, I began to worry when I discovered that our lighting consisted of three 1K lights and a single PAR (which is a glorified floodlight). He did have some professional C-stands and a few flags, but he also arrived with some of the trappings of a Home Depot movie gear… stuff that works, but doesn’t stand up to the abuse that professional equipment takes every day.

I quickly learned that outside of the actors and the Director’s desire to shoot on film, everything else was a second thought. Our first location was pitiful, it looked nothing like it should have and no art direction was in place to even make the location look authentic. The actors were great, but the limited lighting kit meant tons of fiddling and having to settle with inferiorly lit scenes. There might have been enough light to get things exposed on film, but the required position of the lights caused some horrible shadows, something that I hope is hidden or out of focus in the final product.

Things seemed really bad at the end of the first day. We were already two scenes behind, but there was a promise that things would be sorted out by the second day. Day two came and things got worse. More struggles to get enough light, slow setups and people were starting to get grumpy on the set. I desperately wanted to get things done, but everything moved at a snails pace, and the Director seemed acutely absent most of the time. By mid day, there was a sense among most of the cast and crew that we were on a ship without a captain.

To make things worse, the Director began to tell some of the crew that he wanted to wrap early so he could catch the Tennessee football season opener at 7:00PM. I don’t think anyone had a problem with that until a rumor began circulating that he wanted to make that time up by having an insanely early call time the next morning…no one was fine with that. The situation degraded further when under the pressure of getting all of the scenes done early he began to rush the actors and the shots.

The cast and crew began to feel uncomfortable. We were racing to get a bedroom lit for the next five scenes on the schedule, but as fate would have it, the sky turned dark and all of the lighting equipment outside needed to be pulled because of rain. 7:00 was closing in and no one knew what we were going to do. Then, dinner was called early while we waited for the rain to stop. Sometime during the chaos, our Director disappeared, and everyone began speculating that he had returned home to watch the Tennessee game.

Grumbling turned into outright complaining. The Assistant Director was having secret meetings with the Producer and the everyone was wondering aloud where our Director was. Eventually, the Producer walked in and took the rooms temperature about wrapping early. She explained that we would now be five scenes behind on our third shooting day if we wrapped. She walked away without making a decision.

The complaining erupted into bitching and now the lead actress was complaining that she thought she was going to be on a professional shoot, and that she had worked on student projects that had more leadership than our film. We all agreed with her. Eventually, she made the decision that we were waiting for. She said that she was done for the day and was going home. Well, without our lead, there was no more shooting for the day–it was a wrap.

I drove home with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. This film was in the toilet and I didn’t expect it to get past the week. The following day was Sunday and I had the desire to go to church since the schedule was going to prevent me from going for the next few weeks. I told the producer and the DP that I was going to be in after noon. I stayed for the Lord’s Table and took off after I took the bread and cup.

I called around looking for the location and started my one and a half hour drive to Mt. Pleasant, TN for the third day of shooting. I arrived on set as they were finishing up the last shot for that location. I wasn’t there long before I received some shocking news.–our lead actress had quit the film. Our first two days of shooting were now wasted. They had a replacement for her, but the character was no longer blond, she now had raven black hair… which wouldn’t seem like a big issue, except we were now on our way to a school to shoot some montage scenes from the character’s childhood… and all the young actresses were blond.

Everyone seemed to be completely un-shaken by the casting change. They were rolling ahead with the schedule as planned. This sparked much discussion among the crew. Let the bleeding commence. I arrived at the school ahead of the rest of the technical crew. I ended up following the wrong car to the wrong location. At the school it became crystal clear that no one was piloting the ship. There was absolutely no art direction for the scenes, no props and no forethought what-so-ever.

If it wasn’t my frustration with the way the shoot was being run that put me over the edge, it was the lack of appreciation for the kids and parents that showed up at the school and provided their own costumes for the shoot. The director never once publicly thanked anyone. Lack of planning continued as the sun set on an outdoor shoot for a playground scene. Complicating things was that the main character hadn’t had her makeup from the previous scene removed which provided just one more continuity error for the film.

I think at that point I was done. Three days of filming had sucked just about all of the life out of me. Idle time was spent complaining with the crew and second-guessing the director… something that should never happen on a set. I told the DP that night that Day four would be my last day.

Day four was just as bad, if not worse than any of the other days. The sound guys were quitting and half of the rest of crew was considering quiting. I really hope that they get it all sorted out. I feel bad for those folks who came from out of town, those who believed in the film enough to risk deferred compensation. I had planned to stick it out, but in the end, it was just requiring to much from me. It was hard for me to imagine that the film could get finished let alone make some money. It wasn’t worth the $20 per day it was costing me to drive to the set.

By the first day of shooting they were already out of money. They were shooting on film and were already out of money! In a way, it was a gift that the lead actress left. If they can get some money back from her, they might have some additional budget to get essentials like film development and props.

In the end, it reinforces my belief that you can’t get movies done without using people. If the movie gets made, I hope it sells and make a boat load of cash, not for my sake, but for all of the people who were used in the making of it. I hope that when I do my first feature, I can get half the number of people to believe in it and give me their time and energy, but I hope with this experience, I wouldn’t make the same freshmen mistakes.

In respect for the cast and crew, I am not naming the production and I still wish them all the best. I met and got to work with a lot of great people. Heck, the Director was a nice guy, just not much of a leader. I figure the worst that can come of it, is that someone’s uncle and grandma’ loose some money and a lot of other people gain some great movie making experiences… those that can’t be taught in a book and can best be learned by personally making the mistake itself. Hopefully, at the end of all of this, everyone is much better for it.